An African Countess' Blog

Words of a socialmedia purist - Lauretta Malaka It'd been a long day of volleying words in the boardroom. I was glad to be out. I headed for the bus stop. I was just in time. As I got on the bus, I was so relieved that my favorite seat at the centre row close to the window was empty. I sank into the seat exhausted. I plugged in my earphones and allowed Sam Smith to pour soothing music into my eardrums. I looked out the window (feeling like I'm in a music video) watching vendors trying one last time to market their wares before the bus picks up speed. As the bus eased into the traffic, I decided to log into Facebook to know what's new with my friends and check out the latest posts from pages I've liked.

I was stuck in traffic the other day and some drama ensued on the other lane (Lagos is synonymous with drama, by the way) . A commercial 'danfo' bus driver ‘pecked/brushed’ a ‘nice looking’ car and you already know… Grammar started and of course, the traffic situation there got worse... As soon as it happened, the driver of the commercial ‘danfo’ bus, jumped down and flew to the boot to obtain a bottle of ‘brake fluid’. There’s a general belief around here that brake fluid can ‘erase’ any scratch on any car. So, the driver profusely dabbed 'Oya Dab'  the brake fluid on the dented area and was mindlessly spitting some half-minded  ‘oga sorry joor’ in between the dabbing ; the Car Owner continued speaking Grammar.  I don't know how it ended, traffic eased up on my lane... When my Be n ze s arrive, I will buy a  koboko elenu mefa   and a ‘camo item’ in each of them, as they arrive. 'Koboko elenu mefa' means ‘horse-whip with six tongues/finger...

I am aware that Bro Makaveli, Mummy Maya Angelou,  and Sister Onika Maraj had had one or two things to say about this topic, but so do I now . Have you ever felt so deeply unhappy and insecure? Feeling as though the weight of the world rests on your shoulders and you’re losing your balance? Until about 4 days ago, I’d not slept in over 2 weeks (I had a few winks of sleep here and there…but I know a good sleep when I have one). My blood pressure was high. My immune system was bailing on me. I was very unhappy and insecure. I was in a position I don’t like to be: I was vulnerable.  If you know anything about me, you’d know that I like to have things figured out and to be in charge of ‘the situation’, but this time I was facing a situation I was so lost and clueless about. I don’t like to be broke, but I was brokenly shatteredly broke… Somebody said “you don’t look broke. You can’t be broke” and I said “AMEN” (may we never have to LOOK broke) . Anyway, on top of al...

There are days life throws 'really bad stuff' on your laps. We all know those days aren't exactly days you feel grateful for anything. Snipers aim to kill, they don’t miss. So if a sniper has been assigned to ‘take you out’ and someone comes to push you off that line of fire in the nick of time, would you blame the person for ‘saving’ you? You will fall, yeah, you might bruise a little, you could even bleed a lot but you will live. It could have been worse. So wouldn’t you rather be grateful? My Bible says 'everything (whether good or bad) works together for your good because you love God. Be grateful. If you think I’m cool and strong and tough, then I thank my God you didn’t see me this past week. Something happened to me that bulldozed all that ‘cool’. *cues music* ‘I’m only human, I’m just a woman’. PS: you should be very afraid of people who appear cool, most times, they are lethal… I was out for blood. I’m grateful for my mothers, who borrowed ...

If like me, you have had someone mention to you in passing about how they paid $1500 for 5-yards of cloth for Aso ebi yes, in dollars, and yes, in Nigeria ; then like me also, you are permitted to let out a loud scoff when, on your way home from work, you heard some hawker say ‘6yards, N500’ in Oshodi. LOL… the first thing that came to my mind was “SIX YARDS!!! I can totally make 3 gorgeous outfits out of 6yards o. but N500???? No be only wash hin go wash , It will tear to shreds before I even manage to get it to a tailor”. I like to be under-estimated! Yeah you heard me. Or well, you read me…lol. We were taught in high school, or even primary school to ‘never judge a book by its cover’ . But could you please raise your hand if you have ever judged a book by its cover, a movie by its title (Olympus has fallen was definitely a better movie than white house down, I’m sorry if you feel otherwise) , a man by his blings/rides/watches or lack of them, a woman by her laid edg...

Iyanuoluwani, I'm proud of the woman you're becoming. Spiritually, physically, financially, intellectually, dreams’ically , emotionally, psychologically, career’cally , relationships’cally … I'm oh so proud. I'm also glad you can proudly say "I'm the girl who God has helped". I do realise we don't speak to each other a lot in writing, so this is a bit awkward and so, I’ll just drive straight to the point: I often forget how pretty awesome I am. But don’t you ever forget how awesome  YOU  are. Be aware of your worth, your gifts and your strengths; constantly. You are a premium treat and you can't force everyone to have a fine taste, so even if one or two people ‘tend’ not to appreciate you, others do and you always should. Don't deny the world of your essence. Also remember you can never control what someone else does, you can only control your actions and reactions. You can be the very best, as in textbook perfect , but...

Some people simply ask far too many questions, almost taking on the role of prosecuting attorneys.  Some will almost ask you "yo! what is the circumference of your anus?". Oh yes! I was speaking to my dear friend and sister, Iyinoluwa recently and this issue of ' aproko questions' came up. So many people do not genuinely care that much about you, they just want to KNOW....such NOSEY people piss me off. I have absolutely no problem with telling you my age, how I slept, how much I earn, if I save/invest, if I'm single or not, where I'm from, the gods we worship there, which Adeboye I am, how old my father is, etc. on a first meeting... but aren't there more intelligent stuff we could talk about? I had to show one my birth certificate recently. The guy shock ! LOL. He met me where I'd gone to register for a professional exam so I had my credentials with me. As soon as he asked, I just  showed him, and said "what now?". Because even i...